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The Truth About Belonging

What does it mean, “to belong”? This is a question that comes up so often in my work with young adults, and I only wish I could help them understand and actually believe that the rest of us “adults” also struggle with this feeling.

Although intellectually most of us realize we are unique, we continue to search for our own special tribes and communities. The basic human need to belong is so deeply wired in us, that no amount of diversity education can dampen our desire to find a group of people “just like us”. In other words, at the same time, we give lip service to the beauty of being unique and diverse in our expression of humanity, we continue to look for a measure of homogeneity - a desire that has ancient roots.  

Our search for a place, group, and community to belong to, starts early in life. Even those of us who have been fortunate to be raised in families that offer a safe and unquestionable place of belonging will...

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The Gifts of Grief

As an adult, it feels silly to call one person my best friend. Many of us who have a few decades of life under our belts, have made friends in different seasons and appreciate each one of them uniquely, but may not see them as a best friend, as we might have in elementary school.

On Sept 11th of this year, I lost the privilege of seeing, hearing, and laughing with my best friend, Ahmed, the one human being who was closest to me for over 40 years. His extraordinary presence in my life has been replaced, only temporarily I hope, with another friend who follows me quietly through my days.

This friend is grief.

For someone whose vocation is built on the foundation of thought and emotional work, it’s been humbling to learn about a brand new emotion, one wholly unwanted yet so intimate. As a Life Coach, I help my clients gain the awareness and then the courage and skill to sit with their emotions without buffering through the endless number of means available to us. Over...

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5 Reasons for the Quarter Life Crisis

If you’re not yet familiar with the concept of Quarter Life Crisis, you’re not alone. It’s also likely that you are not a Millennial.

As a Professional Coach, a number of my clients are emerging adults. Generally between the ages of 18 and 25, they are facing some very real challenges as they transition from school and living at home to living independently and building careers.

It irks me when I hear the “older” generation (mine) assigning adjectives like lazy, entitled or confused to describe this group of what I know to be generally ambitious, conscientious, and hard working young adults.

To be sure, they are different from us, but no more than we are different from our parents’ generation. One significant and life altering difference is that they are not waiting until mid life to have that all too familiar crisis. They don’t want to wait till 45 to do what they can do at 25;  to ask (and answer) the life-defining questions that are...

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No Advice Please!

communication Sep 02, 2021

“I have no advice for you,” is my most often repeated reply to those who ask.  But isn’t that what a Professional Life Coach is supposed to do?  What do we get in return for our investment of time and energy working with a Coach, if not advice?

 

We are living through an Advice Epidemic.  One scroll through social media and it seems that everyone out there knows “how to” do things and live life more skillfully than you.  You should wake up early, meditate, eat keto, follow this guru, and of course, you should coach with me! Someone out there is living their best life and the proof is their ease with telling the rest of us what we should be doing.  There are so many “shoulds” coming at us at warp speed, it’s no wonder we keep going back for more. 

 

Their advice somehow carries more weight than our own knowledge, practices and life experience because, well, look how happy they are on Instagram!

...

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Filters Are Not Harmless

mindset Aug 26, 2021

I’m going to share a secret with you.  Great Life Coaching is not about helping clients reach their goals.  Setting goals and striving towards them is what I call the “chocolate-covered broccoli” of this work.

Of course, we get clarity on our goals and strive towards them.  More often than not, when working with a capable Professional Coach, we achieve our declared goals.  But that’s not what makes transformational coaching so invaluable.  Most Coaches will tell you that the actual problem or challenge our clients present with, is not the one we need to solve.  The main obstacle, the one that has been getting in the way of their success for years and often decades, is that of feeling they are not enough.

Enough for love, enough for the task, enough for success, and ironically, not even enough for failure.  We don’t go for our dreams and desires because we don’t think we have enough capacity to face failure. ...

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The Gracious No

coaching communication Aug 19, 2021

Last week’s blog, “Freedom As A Life Value”{ Add live link}, included one tiny sentence that invited an inordinate number of questions from readers!  In my list of 6 practices that have collectively allowed me to cultivate the freedom to give more time and attention to the activities and people that matter most to me, #3 was, “Learning the art of the Gracious “No””.

Oprah readily admits that she did not learn how to say “no”, until she was 40 years old, and learning to do so transformed her life.  So many of us equate the word “no” with being rude, unkind, and selfish.  Somewhere along our growth path, we became convinced that good people say “yes”!

For women in particular, we have not had many female role models from whom we might learn how to become skilled at saying “no”, in the multitude of ways that are kind, truthful, and gracious.  More often, we’ve witnessed...

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Freedom As a Life Value

mindset Aug 12, 2021

Last week’s blog, Find Your North Star, elicited a lot of responses and questions from my community.  “How can I find out my top life values?”, was the question most asked. But I also was asked to share my top values and the impact of each in my life.

 

It takes time, attention and brutal honesty to uncover the two values that are true drivers of our actions at any given point in our lives.  Many of us point to our “Show Values”, the ones we would like others to appreciate us for - the ones we wish to cultivate and exhibit more of.  There’s nothing wrong with that, and we are cultivating a number of secondary values that may one day find themselves on our top two list.  But our “Real Values” may be different altogether.

 

To understand our Real rather than Show Values, we must look at our actions - the day-to-day and often moment-to-momentt indicators of what matters most to us.  As an example, if...

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Find Your North Star

life integration Aug 05, 2021

Increasingly, more people are investing their resources in service of self-growth and potential.  I’m talking about high achieving, by most counts, very successful folks, who are realizing that some critically important teachings were missing in their academic and family curriculum.  With some exceptions, most of us did not learn how to cultivate our emotional well being, skillfully manage our thoughts, and gain the tools and skills essential for creating a life that is more often peaceful, purposeful and fulfilling rather than chaotic, volatile, and frankly, frightening in its constant uncertainty.

 

A great place to start when aiming to do this life-changing work is with an assessment of our life values.  Much has been written on the impact of our life values and why it’s important to be crystal clear about them.  For a deep dive, you can study the work of Brene Brown as well as John Demartini.  For now, it’s sufficient to understand...

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Band-Aid Coaching?

coaching Jul 29, 2021

Shifts, shifts, shifts.  The work of Professional Coaching is all about facilitating long-term sustainable shifts - which is entirely different than tricks, hacks and shortcuts.

 

I noticed a false and disheartening belief, (originally) in myself while being coached, and now, often within my clients.  So many of us wrongly assume habits that have been nurtured and cultivated for decades can be undone in weeks or even in one moment - if only we could learn how!  So we consume endless books, articles and podcasts - and we are in a perpetual search for the one guru, Coach, or therapist who can just give us the answer that will change our life around.  We confuse information with transformation and wonder why we’re becoming more informed but not more at ease.

 

To give you a clearer idea of these tricky patterns, let me share a few of the damaging ones I regularly come across in my work with high-performing clients.  These patterns create...

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Courage Is A Verb

communication Jul 22, 2021

“Courage” is a word I think about often. Maybe because it’s a word I hear several times a day in my coaching conversations.

 

It’s one of the unique aspects of this work - the work of creating change and transformation - that folks inevitably come to believe courage is a requirement. I certainly thought so, and held back from taking even the smallest step towards change, because I assumed that I was just not a courageous person.

 

I thought courage meant bravery. I thought courage meant taking some big outward action that was impactful and made the world a better place. I thought courage was a badge bestowed upon people like Rosa Parks, NASA astronauts, and Bear Grylls! It’s embarrassing to admit how far I am in both temperament and action from any of these magnificent humans. I’m practically afraid of everything - heights, speed, moths, outer space, jail, rainforests, the ocean… the list is shamefully long.

 

But do outward...

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