Graduation Advice to My Younger Self
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This past weekend, I attended my nephew’s high school graduation. As I watched the ceremony, I was struck by how mature and composed so many of the graduating seniors appeared—they looked like fully formed adults, seemingly ready to take on the world.
It took me back to my own high school graduation. I remember feeling just as grown-up, confident, capable, and eager for what was next. Only now, with the benefit of hindsight, can I see how unprepared I truly was for the complexities of adult life.
I had plenty of information, but very little wisdom. So, a few decades later, I’ve taken some time to reflect on what I wish I’d known back then.
Here are 14 pieces of advice I would have given my 18-year-old self. In truth, they apply to anyone on the edge of adulthood, not just graduating seniors.
1. Know in your bones—not just in the Instagram-infested corners of your brain—that you are far more powerful than you realize.
We give our power and voice away so easily, not understanding that once lost, they are much more difficult to regain. Instead of always yearning for more, put most of your energy into keeping and growing your gifts. This is how you stay in your power to create good in the world.
2. Learn how to get off the hamster wheel and create a deeply intentional life.
Make it your life’s goal to live the life that speaks to you—and stay open to that vision evolving as you grow. Nothing lasts forever, including your passions and desires, which should evolve as you will. Take time to recognize what matters to you and makes you feel alive. Then put on blinders that limit your field of action to only those things.
3. Understand that life is long and short at the same time, and learn how to honor both of those truths daily.
To serve your Future Self while satisfying your Present Self is a skill. The sooner you begin this practice of living a calibrated life, the more content you will be.
The Marshmallow Test isn’t just for Kindergartners. It’s a test we all face every single day. Every day, re-decide that you’ll be the kid whose patience earns him an extra marshmallow while the friends who chose instant gratification, unfortunately, experience disappointment and regret.
4. Stop people-pleasing and start serving those you care for, powerfully.
People-pleasing is a form of lying. It’s a decision not to present our authentic selves and desires so we may be liked by others. So, yes, I’m not being harsh when I say it’s a form of lying.
Just remember, if someone likes you because of the mask you’ve put on, their love isn’t real. How could it be real if you never let them see you?
5. Learn how to speak your truth with ease and calm.
If it’s worth saying, it can be said calmly. When you make every effort to deeply understand your core life values and what matters most to you, it becomes much easier to avoid the four P’s from Hell: Proving, People Pleasing, Perfecting, and Performing.
When we are captive to one or more of these four states, we choose drama over peace—every time.
6. Learn how to be a Fierce Giver rather than a Selfless one.
Most of us never learned the art of giving to others without compromising our values. No one explains this concept better than Adam Grant in his excellent book, “Give and Take.”
When you learn how to give in a way that honors both yourself and the receiver, you won’t need to set boundaries later, because no one can take from you what you haven’t willingly given away.
7. Learn how to slow down your thinking to speed up your achievements.
We erroneously believe we'll lose our edge if we slow down our thinking. We are afraid that slowing down leads to complacency and laziness. But look at every high-performing leader and athlete. They understand the power of slowing down their thinking to discover leverage opportunities—those actions and decisions that create an outsized impact.
Slowing down our thinking shifts us from incremental to exponential progress.
8. Learn to treat your body, mind, and soul like you are an Olympic athlete and save yourself from so much physical and psychological pain in your later years.
We now have science-backed evidence showing that dementia, infertility, and even certain types of cancer often begin developing in our twenties and thirties. We know that our mental health is directly influenced by our blood sugar and insulin levels, which are, in turn, shaped by our diet and movement patterns. We understand that our spiritual health is deeply connected to every life experience, impacting our lifespan and healthspan.
Aim for the stars and beyond—but remember, you can’t even make it next door if your space suit is damaged. Maintenance is always easier than repair.
9. Know that you don’t need to walk a mile on your knees to be worthy of what you desire.
Respect, love, money, and ease are your birthright; only you can get in the way of claiming all of it. Know the difference between earning your goals and being worthy of them. You were born worthy. Spending your life trying to prove your worth is a massive waste of time and soul energy.
Instead, focus on earning your goals and desires through focus, commitment, and consistency.
10. Read life-changing books for transformation and not just information.
Up until now, your reading has likely been transactional—to pass a test, write a paper, or have something to say in conversation. But now you must choose your books carefully and read them with the express aim of transforming and fine-tuning your character.
Books are our most powerful tools for learning the art of living well. Choose your curriculum wisely.
11. Learn how to communicate, negotiate, and lead more effectively.
Communication, negotiation, and leadership are skills, not personality traits. Some of us may have been blessed with a temperament that gives us an edge, but every single one of us can learn these skills, as we can learn a new language or sport.
When you want to grow your abilities, don’t ask how. Ask who is going to help me do this?
12. Learn that time management is pain management.
Time is never running out. It’s we who run away from time through behaviors that, in retrospect, kill time.
We do this because we don’t want to address, accept, and be with uncomfortable emotions. So we buffer through time-killing activities and then look for a book or a coach who can teach us to manage our time more effectively.
Instead, we should learn to manage our emotions and address the root cause of our pain. Once we do this, time expands in ways we didn’t imagine possible.
13. Stop the endless and futile search for Life Balance and learn Life Integration.
If you aim to live a full and generative life, you'd better let go of the fantasy of life balance. There will always be an aspect of your life that will need more of your attention at any given moment. The key is to ensure that whatever you’re giving your attention to is worthy of it, as determined by your values. Every part of your life should be connected and in service to every other area—a common thread that runs seamlessly through all your activities.
This is life integration, and the lack of it has us running after the elusive life balance.
14. Know that the grass is not greener on the other side; wherever you find yourself, you alone are the gardener.
The main difference between a child and a grown-up is their ability to take radical responsibility for every life circumstance. Being an adult is not about age, income, job title, marital status, parenthood, or your Instagram follower count. It’s whether you have shifted out of the “Victim” mindset (life is happening to me) to an “Owner” mindset (life is happening for and through me).
Every person has their own set of challenges, regardless of the highlight reels they share on social media. How will you address your challenges? Who will you be when times get tough? What kind of garden will you grow?
Congratulations to all our beloved graduates. As a wise person once told me, “To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.”
Photo Credit: Debbie L. Banafsheha, D. Bana Photography, Translating Moments of Life into Fine Art. Website: www.dbanaphotography.com
