Don’t Be Most People

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I teach and coach through distinctions—not because I think life is binary or that things are either true or false (although I do believe some things are), but because the mind understands and learns concepts more easily when presented with clear contrasts.

We must have a clear understanding of black and white before we can understand what creates the color gray. Our mind must grasp the difference between two concepts—concepts that can easily be confused—before it can form its own nuanced understanding of a new one.

Use this formula to teach yourself, your children, and your teams, and you'll see how effective it is. But fine-tuning your ability to make clear distinctions requires one thing: scheduling dedicated time to think.

Yes, time to think.

When was the last time you made a deliberate effort and actually scheduled time to think? If you don’t remember, don’t feel bad—you’re not alone. Most of us are at the mercy of, not the masters of, our thoughts.

Thoughts come (from who knows where), and we invite them in as if we're contractually obligated to do so—only to find ourselves with a bunch of unexpected guests who overstay their (un)welcome.

Today I want to share three of my most helpful distinctions with you. Speaking of thoughts and our failure to treat them appropriately, I'll begin with this one:

1. Thinking vs. Overthinking

Simply put, thinking is good. Our ability to think well is the prerequisite to living a purposeful and conscious life.

It behooves all of us to become “thinkers” and respect the activity of thinking at least as much as we do running errands, cooking, exercising, working, and the myriad other activities we fill our days with.

Overthinking, however, is not beneficial because it doesn't move us forward. Thinking is linear—when done right, A leads to B and so on. Overthinking is circular because it never feels like we are moving forward, trapping us in a loop that continuously brings us back where we started.

The primary emotions that keep us trapped in overthinking are shame, guilt, doubt, and fear of regret. In contrast, thinking is fueled by curiosity.

Thinking begins with asking, "What if...?"

Overthinking asks, "Why me? Why this?"

2. Conscious vs. Vigilant

Conscious living has been a buzzword in the self-growth space for so long that many of us don’t even know what it means anymore. But we shouldn't let overuse destroy its meaning and importance in our lives.

I use the terms "being conscious" and "being awake" interchangeably—awake to our thoughts, feelings, and actions. It’s not an exaggeration to say that most of us are sleepwalking through our lives, unaware of our unconscious thoughts, speech, and actions.

We are slaves to habits we inherited or developed long ago. To be conscious is to have our senses open and engaged, in service of learning to pause before responding to a circumstance or person.

Viktor Frankl put it best when he said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Being conscious requires round-the-clock attention (I know, it’s a lot!), but it shouldn’t be confused with being vigilant, which should be a rare event if we want to preserve the health of our nervous system. 

When we are vigilant, we are more than awake. We are intensely watchful and often waiting for something bad to happen. Many of us literally live in that space all the time, eternally in anticipation of the other shoe falling.

This is not living consciously. It’s living harmfully.

The common excuse from those who choose this way of being is that they are being “realists” and watching out for dangers that often do come to fruition. The truth is that if we’re looking for bad things happening, sometimes they will, and being in a permanent state of vigilance will most certainly allow us, once in a while, to avert dangers. But if it’s our default mode of existence, its harm far outweighs its benefits.

Knowing the difference between these two states can make the difference between a healthy and a sick life. Ignore it at your peril.

Staying with the theme of the games our mind plays with us (if we let it), is the distinction between:

3. Fear vs. Anxiety

Fear is real. Fear is walking down a dark alley knowing that it’s dangerous. Fear is falling and experiencing time slow down as you tumble down the side of the mountain. Fear is a snake slithering up to you out of nowhere. Fear is your child calling to say they’re in trouble. Fear is knowing you’ve done the wrong thing and there will be consequences.

Fear is the logical result of a legitimate external circumstance.

Anxiety is also real to those who live with the emotion, but an actual event does not cause it. Anxiety is a misuse of our imagination. And in my experience, the most anxious people are also the most creative and imaginative.

Anxiety is your child not answering the phone. Anxiety is the anticipation of a tough conversation that hasn’t happened. Anxiety is thinking negative thoughts about yourself and believing them as truth.

The main way we mix up fear and anxiety is through our language. We speak our anxious thoughts out loud as though they are legitimate fears. We say "I’m terrified" when it’s simply not true. If we’re terrified, we should be calling 911, not the friend who regularly puts up with our endless capacity for creating anxiety and worry.

Words create worlds and can also cause a great deal of confusion if we misuse them. Speak thoughtfully.

Here's the simple truth: most people will read this and do nothing with it. They'll nod in recognition, share it with a friend, then return to their habitual patterns of confused thinking.

Don't be most people. Take one distinction. Apply it today. Notice the difference.

That's how transformation begins—one clear thought at a time.

Photo: D. Bana Photography