Are you Esther or Eve?

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“Why so hard on yourself?” I asked my not-yet-client, Linda.

It was one of our first “discovery” conversations, where someone interested in being coached by me learns how I work. And crucially, I’m looking for the incredibly hidden—and for most, hard-to-read—signs that they are really, truly, ready—in fact, past ready—to make a change.

I’ve been coaching women of all ages for the last decade, and the question I asked Linda speaks to a pattern I’ve observed in many of them, regardless of social status. That pattern is women judging themselves—and other women—and it’s so rampant, it feels like an epidemic.

But it’s a silent one.

On the surface, we are all “Girlbosses” raising more Girlbosses, crafting a narrative—mostly on social media—that assures others, especially other women (and perhaps ourselves), that we can have it all. We’re mesmerized by Lauren Sanchez Bezos, who, with seeming effortlessness and almost magical ability, raises three kids, marries one successful man after another, maintains a full-time career, and is also an athlete, astronaut, and philanthropist!

If you are a woman of a certain age—which is to say, if you are not a girl-child—you’ve likely met the two parts of yourself. One is the wise, intuitive, profoundly powerful part that knows the truth. I’ll call her Esther.

This is the part of us that, if nurtured, allows us to grow into the most loving, generous, and powerful version of ourselves. It’s the part that gains respect and influence simply through our presence. The part that thrives when we are being, rather than doing.

Then there is the other part—the one I call Eve—the part that feels compelled to act out the worst of all the ancient female tropes. She is controlling, jealous, and histrionic. She missed the memo on what authentic power looks like and tries to gain it through passive aggression and manipulation. But more than anything else, she is drawn to judgment. There’s no end to her criticism of others—but she reserves the harshest judgment and most punishing verdict for herself.

The women I work with are extraordinary. Each one has accomplished at least one of the following: built a successful marriage; created a warm, loving and peaceful home; raised healthy, happy children; climbed the heights of the corporate ladder; launched a business; raised money in support of a meaningful cause; become a well-known artist, writer or photographer; or been consistently present for her loved ones.

In fact, most have accomplished several of these goals simultaneously.

Each one of these achievements, alone, should be enough to allow us the peace of mind and heart we so richly deserve. Each of these goals, when achieved by another woman, should be enough to garner our respect for them.

Esther knows this, appreciates it, and lives by that code. But Eve, not so much.

Eve judges. Eve constantly reminds us that we’re not enough. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, she urges you to craft a narrative that makes you seem more important or interesting. Eve pushes us to say things like, “I’m taking a power pause to enjoy my kids while planning the launch of my next business.”

It’s not enough, in her eyes, to focus fully on nurturing your marriage—even if it’s the most important relationship in your life. Eve has us insisting that we’re also an incredible cook, pastry chef, interior designer, athlete, and PTA mom, and we’re about to launch a world-changing NGO!

And the trickiest of Eve’s power moves has to do with money. If you supported your husband in being the breadwinner for the family—and weren’t officially paid for your part in building your shared financial success—Eve will convince you that you need to get a “job.” In your quiet moments, she’ll whisper in your ear, “No one respects you unless you’re making your own money.”

As a woman who felt compelled to work outside the home to prove my worth, I just want to say, “What a crock!”

Women who embrace their inner Esther know that our power and contribution to the world is a gift that comes in many forms. When we judge ourselves and other women, we minimize our potential and disrespect the gifts we possess. We give away our inheritance for a pittance.

I love coaching any person who is ready to reach—and maybe even exceed—their full potential. But I really love coaching women who have surrendered to their inner Eve. I know that connecting them with their Esther will completely transform their feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and confusion into experiencing (sometimes for the very first time in their lives) feelings of clarity, sufficiency, and peace.

Now that’s real power!