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Perk up your ears, and you'll notice how often you hear yourself or others say, "I'm so stupid!"

I know I do it.

Far less than I used to, but still, I catch myself saying it in my head and sometimes, without even realizing it, out loud.

As I'm fond of saying to my kids who accuse me of "uncoachly" behavior, "I'm a Life Coach, not a Saint!" So yes, I, too, will sometimes utter phrases that are demeaning to my Self—and I mean "Self" with a capital "S".

Why?

Because there is a Self inside us that deserves recognition and patiently waits for us to cultivate a relationship with it, with the same care we devote to a partner, a child, or our vocation.

A Self that wants to be known.

A Self that wants to be in a deep and meaningful conversation with us.

A Self that, regretfully, we don't often acknowledge until it's too late.

Like the highway patrol who pulls me over for a speeding ticket and rolls his eyes when I tell him that I was not "aware" of the 15 miles per hour speed limit, our Self doesn't care that we are not aware of its existence, needs, wants, and dreams.

The Self is dying for a conversation—not a sporadic one that often catches us by surprise (through grace or suffering), but a consistent, respectful, and loving conversation—the kind that paves the way for genuine connection and belonging.

From my personal and professional experience, I know that we all have a relationship with the Self, whether consciously or unconsciously. The sooner we recognize this foundational relationship, the better off we will be.

If we ignore it, the proverbial speeding ticket will come, and keep coming, until we slow down enough to hear the soft voice of the Self, begging for our attention.

Some of us never hear it.

But, I'm talking to you—the ones who want more while you are still breathing in this miracle that is your body. If that's you, keep reading.

Cultivating a deep and loving relationship with the Self is essential for the same reason that doing so with an intimate partner is. Friends and family have an irreplaceable place in our lives. Still, no matter how rich that part of our lives is, most of us strive for the experience of deep intimacy and unconditional connection with one other living, breathing human being.

At our core, whether we recognize it or not, we want that same intimate relationship with the Self. We want to be in a relationship that continuously shines a light on what it means to be ourselves. How can we achieve this goal, whether with ourselves or another, if we are not committed to a consistent, deep, and meaningful conversation?

The Self grows, plays, and loves through this core conversation. The Self changes from day to day and year to year. It wants us to know and love it for that fact, not to judge and punish it.

So what does all this have to do with calling ourselves “Stupid”?

The Self is akin to a child, a relationship, or a job in its "honeymoon phase"—constantly changing, delighting, and exploring. That’s why it sometimes makes mistakes. When we call the Self "stupid," we rob it of its ability to grow and learn.

"Stupid" is the equivalent of a million tons of water thrown at a small campfire. It’s absolutely suffocating. Calling our Self stupid is disrespectful and cruel. Furthermore, "stupid" is not a real thing. It's an excuse not to look past the surface to what’s really going on for us.

Here and now, make a promise to yourself: never call your beautiful Self stupid. Instead, ask her/him to tell you why she/he said that thing or acted that way. There's always a reason for it, and it's not stupidity.

That's where the conversation begins.

Journal