The Not-To-Do List Every Adult Needs
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When kids are young, we love to tell them what not to do. Research shows that an average toddler hears the word “no” around 400 times a day! A more conservative study estimates the number at 8,395 per year, or an average of 23 per day.
Whichever study you choose to believe, it’s evident we LOVE to say no, don’t, and can’t to our kids.
And that’s not a good thing.
But the funny thing is that as soon as they grow a bit and start having ideas of their own, we shift from telling them what not to do to telling them the opposite. We simply can’t stop telling them what to do!
With an often extraordinary level of certainty, we advise—or actually, we order and direct them—toward the path we have chosen for them. That too has its problems.
But today, perhaps because my own children have stepped into young adulthood, or because I coach so many truly remarkable young adults, I’m thinking about how many of us arguably miss the most critical stage of parenting.
This stage is the third (and perhaps the ultimate?) stage, and it circles back to the start, advising and encouraging (not telling) them what not to do.
The core purpose remains the same as when they were young children—to keep them safe from harm. But now it's a more profound level of harm we wish to protect them from- social, moral and spiritual harm.
We want to guide them to make decisions that align with their values and contribute positively to society.
We want to know that we’ve raised good people.
The best way I’ve found to convey my beliefs about what not to do in life to my children is through conversation, of course. But because they have their own busy lives, I have fewer opportunities to share my thoughts in a timely and appropriate context.
The second-best way—and what I'm sharing with you today—is to create an evolving document for them titled "What NOT-To-Do”.
This document, which grows as both my kids and I learn and grow, is a powerful tool in our family journey. It's a living document that we update regularly with new insights and experiences. It empowers us to have meaningful conversations and helps me guide my children in making decisions that align with their values and contribute positively to society.
I encourage them to edit and add their own learnings and beliefs to this list. If, after discussing a proposed idea, we all agree it's a keeper, then we aim to make it a personal rule in our lives.
We don’t always succeed in keeping every rule, but when we break one, we admit it to each other, explore why we went against our own highest belief, and vow to do better next time.
In no particular order, here are a few things on our family What NOT-To-Do list:
Don’t lie. Nobody is as good a liar as they think they are. Lies always get revealed, whether it takes a day or a lifetime. When they do come out, they torch your reputation, which is your most valuable asset.
Don’t keep people waiting. Your reasons for being late simply don’t matter. If you’ve become a person who is habitually late, the only person who buys your excuses for this offensive behavior is yourself.
Don’t say ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’. Doing so doesn’t make you a nice person. It makes you a dishonest one.
Don’t put life on hold till tomorrow. It’s always later than you think. Do the thing today. Actually, really, today!
Don’t be unkind. Even if you apologize, the sting of unkind words and actions often persists, leaving lasting regret.
Don’t take your health for granted. Don’t be the person who prays sincerely and consistently for healing when sick but forgets to be just as deeply and consistently grateful when healthy and pain-free.
Don’t fool yourself. Others will try and sometimes succeed in deceiving you. But it’s the shame of a lifetime to fool ourselves. Be truthful with yourself even when it hurts so much that you think you’re going to break (you won’t).
Don’t confuse the price of something with its value.
Don’t neglect your soul. It’ll still be around when your space suit is finished and done with.
Don't confuse the voice of your intuition with the voice of your fears. One whispers, the other yells.
Don’t think in days. Think in decades.
Don’t wait for perfect. One is always greater than zero. Take the first step.
Don't rush your decisions. When you want to make a change, call it an experiment, and allow yourself the space to change your mind. Oh, and keep it quiet until it’s no longer an experiment, but a decision.
Don't confuse respect with approval. Respect means committing to a set of behaviors that has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with you.
I invite you to start your own "What NOT-To-Do" list today—whether for yourself, your family, or both. Share it with someone you trust and watch how the conversations deepen.
