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Your daughter comes home from school, fighting back tears. A friend humiliated her in front of everyone. Your heart breaks for her, and before she's even finished the story, you hear yourself saying: "I'm sure she didn't mean it that way. Maybe she was just having a bad day. Look on the bright side—at least you have other friends who..."

And just like that, you've done it again. You've turned her pain into a lesson in positive thinking.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. And you may not be doing either of you any favors. I know because I used to do this all the time with my kids.

So many of us, especially women, have gotten the memo that productive people always look on the bright side. And look—optimism is valuable. But there's a difference between genuine optimism and what I call Negative Positivity: the forced, habitual reframing of every uncomfortable feeling until we've lost touch with what's actually true.

There are three patterns of Negative Positivity that I see repeatedly in my coaching practice:

1. Reframing

Your boss takes credit for your work again, and you tell yourself, "At least I'm learning a lot."

2. Rationalizing

Your partner consistently dismisses your feelings, and you explain, "He's just not an emotional person."

3. Denial

You're exhausted and resentful, but you insist, "I'm fine! I can handle it all."

Sound familiar?

These patterns feel like self-care, but they're actually self-abandonment.

Don't get me wrong—positive thinking has its place. It's meant to be used in small doses to get us through temporary pain, but many of us have cultivated it into an incessant and often oppressive habit.

When I'm 40 miles into an Ultramarathon, squarely in the pain cave, you better believe I'm reframing and denying my way to the finish line. "Why the F___ am I doing this stupid thing?" becomes "I'm so lucky to be able to do this." "Everything hurts" becomes "I feel so alive!"

But here's the key: I'm mindful not to turn that temporarily necessary tactic into a life strategy.

There is a time when reframing, rationalizing, and denial will help us get past a rough patch. Sometimes a situation is so emotionally taxing and overwhelming that it calls for using one or all of these patterns just to keep our heads above water. Sometimes it’s about surviving first and thriving later. And that’s why we are given the abilities to reframe, rationalize, and, when necessary, deny.

But many of us are constantly reframing situations that are toxic, rationalizing behaviors (our own or others’) that are hurtful, and living in complete denial of the cost of our decisions. When we do this, we are not dealing with the root cause of the challenge; we are just kicking the can down the road.

And then there are times when being positive is downright cruel. When someone is grieving or dealing with a genuinely painful life situation, it's not being positive but rather deeply insensitive to say anything that starts with, "yes, but…"

When we say, "...this will pass, you will move on, you'll come out of this stronger, and I'm sure it's all for the better…," we intend to be positive and helpful, but our reframing only makes the other person feel unseen and their pain unappreciated.

The antidote to Negative Positivity is not plain old-fashioned positivity. That concept is so overused that no one knows what it means anymore. The way out is to drop the word 'positivity' altogether and adopt more precise, actionable words.

And I offer to you that those words are hope and optimism.

Hope is actionable because it is built on a foundation of training, practice, and commitment. I am not referring to the kind of hope that relies on dreams and fantasies, but rather the type of hope that arises from our confidence in having done everything possible to achieve a positive outcome. Long before coaches encouraged us to "think positive," ancient wisdom invited us to hope—and then to hope even more.

Optimism is also actionable—it can be learned. Martin Seligman's research shows optimism is so powerful that it can change both the quality and quantity of your life. Optimists don't reframe, excuse, or deny what is. They simply leave the door open to a better future. They refuse to use their imagination to create nightmares.

So here's what I invite you to do this week:

Notice.

When you catch yourself saying "Look on the bright side," pause. Ask yourself: Am I rushing past a real feeling? Am I dismissing valid pain—mine or someone else's?

Feel.

Let the difficult emotion exist. You don't have to reframe or rationalize it. Just acknowledge it.

Then choose hope.

Not because everything is fine (it might not be), but because you're committed to taking the next right action.

And that’s not denial. That’s courage.