Confidence is Earned in the Arena, Not Backstage
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A few months ago, I applied to a high-level program I'm deeply interested in but is outside my present field of expertise.
Many around me couldn't understand why I would do such a thing. I heard all kinds of feedback like, "Where are you going to find the time for this commitment?" and "To what end do you even want to do this?"
The program itself is challenging to get into. A well-known and legitimate person has to nominate you (you can't nominate yourself), and no amount of money will get you in because, well, it's fully funded.
Furthermore, when I researched the members of the program's previous cohorts, it seemed that everyone was more academically qualified than I am.
Acceptance into the program would have required me to commit the next year of my life to a deeper level of learning than ever before, and to travel (which, unlike many others, I don't love).
It would have reduced my time and attention to every other crucial area of my life, including coaching, time with my kids, and my athletic life.
If at this point, you, like so many of my friends and family, are wondering why I would apply, the answer is simple but not easy.
You see, most of us believe we need to reach a baseline level of confidence before we attempt a goal, a dream, or a mission that's calling to us.
So we wait. We learn. We take classes and workshops. We talk endlessly to anyone who will listen about our dream. We create elaborate plans and diagrams that show the path to our goals.
Meanwhile, life passes, and somehow we don't gain the confidence we believe will finally move us to action.
That's because confidence is not a trait that can be developed in our heads or in a vacuum. Confidence is a result—the result of real-life actions attempted repeatedly.
In other words, we can only gain confidence after taking action.
The kind of confidence you see in a four-year-old or a teenager is just a combination of brashness and ignorance.
The type of confidence you see all over social media exuding from people who literally read a book and are now "experts" in their field is just "fake it till you make it" in action—with emphasis on the “fake it”.
But the confidence of someone like Tony Robbins—who started out broke and unknown, speaking to anyone who would listen—is the real deal.
It was acquired after he took action again and again and again.
If confidence is gained only after we act, fail, and repeat, what motivates us to take the first step toward a goal?
When I applied to this program and put in many hours, in addition to the uncomfortable act of asking others to nominate me, it was not because I had confidence I would be accepted.
On the contrary, every indication pointed towards a rejection.
So, confidence was not my driver, and it won't be yours either.
The driver of the first step is always Courage.
Courage, not confidence, is the characteristic required to shift from passive action—learning, researching, listening to podcasts, reading books—to massive action—doing the risky-feeling thing in front of others, where we are exposed to failure, rejection, and even humiliation.
Courage can be cultivated. But only if we build our failure resilience simultaneously.
I never ask someone to be courageous if I don't believe they have what it takes to handle the possibility of rejection.
We can only be as courageous as we are emotionally resilient.
The goal of an excellent Coach is not to help every one of her clients' goals come to fruition, but to support her clients in becoming what Nassim Nicholas Taleb calls "anti-fragile”.
To be anti-fragile is to respond to stress not just with resilience, but by becoming even stronger than before the stressful event.
When we choose the goal of becoming anti-fragile, courage follows, and confidence becomes inevitable.
I applied to the program against all odds because I have two sets of goals.
My external goals: serving my clients, connecting deeply with my children, nurturing important relationships, and running for as long as I can.
My internal goal of overcoming my fears, faults, and foibles to become the highest manifestation of myself.
The second goal requires the first to be disrupted from time to time.
Receiving that rejection letter, which led to feeling disappointment and even a degree of shame, is an example of my external goal being disrupted.
But I know that it’s in that space of disappointment, self-doubt, and inadequacy that I will—over time, not overnight—find a stronger version of myself.
The experience did not make me more confident, just more courageous.
And courage compounds.
So here's my question for you: What is the thing you've been waiting to feel confident about before you begin?
What would it look like to take one step toward it this week—not because you're ready, but because you're willing?
Confidence will come, but only after you move!
