No Frapping — The Powerful Agreement That Creates Bulletproof Relationships
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Powerful agreements create powerful relationships.
One of the most valuable relationships in my life is with the women in my private coaching group, The Wisdom Circle.
By design, no one in this group is new to coaching and its greatest value lies in the collective wisdom shared within the group.
Although that’s also where the greatest danger lies! The danger of becoming a “Support Group” rather than a Transformational one.
To be clear, we are fiercely supportive of each other, but our primary commitment is to the whole-hearted expansion and growth of one another.
That’s why our first agreement is called — “No Frapping” — an acronym which means when one person expresses herself, others are not allowed to rush in to:
(P) Please or
The No Frapping agreement, which can feel counterintuitive and uncomfortable in the moment, allows us to actually be useful and helpful to the person being coached. It keeps us focused, purposeful, and most importantly, effective.
Most people can’t wait to share support. But the truth is that if you can’t wait to speak because you want to fix, rescue or please the other person, you’re thinking and caring more about yourself than the person you’re trying to support.
The No Frapping agreement requires you to ask yourself the following questions before speaking to the person seeking counsel:
- Do I see myself as the one with the solution?
- Am I so uncomfortable by this person’s vulnerability and emotions that I need to rescue and get her (and myself) out of the discomfort?
- Am I about to apologize out of habit rather than intention?
- Am I wanting to please rather than serve this person?
- Am I about to tell it like it is?
If the answer to any of the above is “yes”, slow down and switch to a different mode of contribution.
In The Wisdom Circle, we always welcome and want to benefit from the life experiences of every single group member. But the contribution needs to be in the form of sharing our own personal and often hard-learned wisdom.
The filter to use before contributing is to ask yourself, “Is this useful? and “Is this helpful?”
Most importantly, we need to check in with ourselves to ensure we are not “fixing” the person, “rescuing” them from uncomfortable emotions, “pleasing” them by superficial cheerleading, or “preaching” to them as if we have ultimate knowledge.
No Frapping is a powerful agreement you can use to elevate any relationship that matters to you. I coach around 5 domains of life; Relationships, Career, Personal Development, Parenting and Leadership.
But the truth is that all five domains fall under one meta category — Relationships. People who are skilled in creating powerful relationships excel in every other domain.
Here’s an example of how the No Frapping rule can be applied in all five domains:
- Career — Build a career that brings your unique contribution and gifts to the world, rather than one that pleases the “preachers” in your life.
- Parenting — Don’t rescue your child unless it’s truly a life threatening situation. This requires you to check your own understanding of “life-threatening”.
- Personal Development — Don’t fix yourself! You’re not broken. Choose progress over perfection.
- Leadership — Don’t let pleasing get in the way of serving. Choose honest and timely feedback over pleasing in the moment. Believe in Brene Brown’s principle that “Clear is kind”.
- Relationships — All of the above and don’t apologize unless the situation truly calls for it. Instead acknowledge and create a redo through different actions and words.
What are some powerful agreements you’d like to create in your life? Share them with me and I’ll teach you how to make it happen!