Go Ahead, Teach That Old Dog New Tricks!

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Personality is a myth.

For many of us, it’s also a lifelong distraction from our purpose.

We are trained from a young age to believe that this thing we call our personality is something solid, fixed, and foundational. While still growing into who we may one day become, we hear our parents make seemingly innocent comments like:

“He’s just like his dad.”

“He was stubborn from the first day of his life.”

“It’s genetic.”

“She’s got a temper. That’s just who she is.”

Our parents don’t say these things consciously, and they don’t mean to harm us. However, when we hear these kinds of statements as children, we accept them as the truth. We begin to believe we have a personality we’re born with—and stuck with!

Sooner than we realize it, we begin to identify with that personality by taking over the job from our parents and proclaiming who we are to the world. We continue the work our parents started–unconsciously and often to our detriment.

“I’ve always been bad at math—it’s just how I’m wired.” 

“I’m just not creative—never have been.” 

“No matter how much I try to change, I’m always late.”

“I have to speak my truth at any cost. It’s just who I am.”

This unconscious game continues into adulthood. Meanwhile, our brain’s confirmation bias gathers evidence to support these potentially false proclamations. In time, these repeated thoughts harden into beliefs—beliefs that shape our behaviors. The behaviors we repeat, over and over, eventually become what we call our personality.

But aren’t some people born athletic, talented, angry, or optimistic? Yes, there’s evidence that many of us come into this world with tendencies and talents.

However, our social environment, parenting, and life circumstances shape our experience of who we are. And because our brain craves certainty, most of us prefer to surrender to the myth that we and others can’t change. How often have you heard someone say, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”

But what if you can? What if that’s simply untrue?

Scientific research, particularly in the field of neuroplasticity, has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that our brains can be rewired by repeatedly taking new actions and thinking new thoughts. With commitment and consistency, we can literally rewire our brains at any age.

So, for young, middle-aged, and old dogs (and humans), we are what we do repeatedly. We are what we practice deliberately.

In her seminal book Mindset, Carol Dweck offers an enormous amount of scientific data to support the idea that we can grow into who we want to be by cultivating a “Growth Mindset”. Her quote, “Becoming is better than being,” is the central pillar of the work of Life Coaching.

It’s not a stretch to say that I chose to become a Professional Life Coach because I’m obsessed with helping myself and others become who they want to be, rather than being stuck in the default mode we inherited as children.

For most of my adult life, I was convinced that my personality was carved in stone. I believed that I was resourceful, but not creative, good at business but not in athletics, stuck for good with a quick temper (yikes), and clever but not smart. My beliefs about my “personality” had me living my life on autopilot. It wasn’t until I learned, through working with a professional coach, that we are what we practice, that I began to build a life that genuinely felt like my own.

I call this the path to mastery of Self.

I became fascinated with people who, through deliberate and intentional practice, built a Self that reflected their unique values and goals instead of the self that they inherited through family and society.

I don’t use the word mastery lightly, and I don’t see it as a destination. In fact,  I’ve noticed that masters in any field are most often heard saying that there is no end to this journey of “Becoming”.

The greatest pianist, athlete, or business leader has built his or her “personality” on the foundation of deliberate practice. I agree with F.M. Alexander’s statement, “People do not decide their futures. They decide their habits and their habits decide their futures.” We can just as easily say that people decide their personality when they decide their daily practices.

Here are seven truths I’ve observed in my work with clients—and in others—who have successfully become who they choose to be, rather than who someone else decided they should be.

They:

1. Practice daily what others practice occasionally.

2. Deliberately choose to do the hard things.

3. Are often no more naturally gifted than others who successfully achieve the same goals.

4. See themselves as blue-collar workers, showing up every day to do the work, rain or shine. They behave like pros, not amateurs.

5. Are deeply interested in their craft's nuances and nurture their curiosity.

6. Know the difference between Intention and Commitment.

7. Understand how their growth and orientation toward mastery serve those around them.

Today, after years of practice, my default personality is no longer the driver of my actions and results. However imperfect I continue to be, I am far more of the person that I have decided I want to be. That sense of agency, coupled with the knowledge that there is a way to become a purpose-driven and practiced version of myself, has made my life much more meaningful and fun.