When Faced With Uncertainty, Ask These 4 Questions First
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In last week’s article, I wrote about how fear paralyzes so many of us, taking away our ability to take desired and deliberate actions. I offered deep, genuine understanding as the antidote to fear and a path to action.
Today, I’m expanding on that idea by highlighting another of our greatest and most paralyzing fears, one that is especially prominent in the lives of many young adults I work with.
The fear of uncertainty.
Virginia Woolf wrote, “...for a self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living.”
We all recognize the truth in Woolf’s words, yet we expend incredible energy to resist change! I know people who prefer a certain death to the uncertainty of change.
I once had a client who was battling cancer. She expressed that she would have preferred to receive a definitive death sentence with a specific date rather than endure the daily, unbearable struggle of putting one foot in front of the other amid the overwhelming uncertainty that comes with living with cancer.
In my younger days, I often refrained from pursuing my goals and dreams because, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t envision the path to the end. And after coaching young adults for over a decade, I can confidently say that the fear of uncertainty is their most significant obstacle to moving forward with confidence.
We have survived and thrived as a species because we understand that uncertainty is a given and a constant until our last breath in this body.
But somewhere along the way, over the last few decades, we adopted the belief that if we are strong, intelligent, and successful enough, we can hack this primordial equation—a belief that if we only knew the secret, we could live in a state of certainty.
Many of us have raised children with this belief. We have done everything we can to control every possible circumstance of their lives. We have convinced ourselves that this is good parenting.
So, why can’t so many of our college graduates take charge and responsibility for their lives?
Because they freeze with fear when they step out of the controlled environments of school and family and realize that in real life uncertainty is the norm, not the exception. Realizing that they lack the necessary skills, mindset, and, ultimately, the identity of someone who can thrive in uncertain situations, they are afraid to step into the arena.
The next generation of parents will have learned from our mistakes, but how can we help this generation of young adults?
We can help them on three levels:
1. Strategies and Tactics
This is where most parents believe the highest level of support can be offered to their kids, but it’s not true.
It is essential to teach our kids how to communicate effectively, cultivate patience, and manage their time. But if this is the only support we offer them, the practices won’t stick, and any change they experience will be temporary.
2. Mindset
This is a deeper level of coaching where we help our kids become aware of their thinking.
Most of them don’t even know what their beliefs are. They pride themselves on being “woke,” yet they are not truly awake. When we help shine the light of awareness on their beliefs by asking powerful (not leading) questions, they can decide whether to keep those existing beliefs or adopt new ones that serve their goals.
We cannot create new habits and strategies from old and often false mindsets and beliefs.
3. Identity
Coaching our kids around “Identity” is the most powerful way to help them take radical responsibility for their lives and create the kind of transformation that lasts a lifetime.
Because uncertainty is the water we swim in, we must be clear about who we are and who we are “becoming.”
When we intentionally shape our identity, we can confidently answer four crucial questions at any time, even in changing and uncertain circumstances.
- Who am I? This is your core life values, convictions, and the deep sense of the kind of human being you are continuously striving to become. This is not your “roles” in life—as in mother, daughter, etc…
- What am I doing? This is learning to account for every action throughout your day, but only after you are crystal clear about your Life Buckets.
- What am I never doing? This is connected to both who you are and what you’re doing. You are never doing something that goes against your core values or takes you off your path towards your life goals.
- Where am I going? This is about developing a robust and unbreakable relationship with your future self. It begins, but does not end, with a clear vision of your future.
Learning to thrive in uncertainty is not an easy skill to develop, but it’s worth the effort. Take a stab at each of these four questions and reach out if you need help.
