You Can Have It All…But Here’s What’s Left Unsaid

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Tradeoffs are something we are forever at odds with. They are as much a fact of life as gravity, yet we seem unable to come to terms with them. For most of us, the word carries a negative connotation, living in the same unwelcome neighborhood as sacrifice, compromise, and other things that, at best, are tolerated but never welcomed.

Our absolute disdain for tradeoffs is what created our culture of hacks and shortcuts—popularized by books like The Four-Hour Workweek and The 48 Laws of Power.

Like money, tradeoff is a neutral word—neither good nor bad. So why do we treat it with such contempt instead of learning to leverage it to our advantage?

Since the beginning of history, humans have had an innate understanding that we can’t have it all at the same time. The art of skillful negotiation—with others and, most importantly, with ourselves—was born of this radical understanding and acceptance.

The truth that life is a series of tradeoffs was largely undisputed until sometime in the middle of the last century. Perhaps it was the long-overdue movements for liberty and equality for minorities and women, or the opportunities that arose from living in a more technologically connected world. But somewhere along the way, those of us with a higher quality of life and a measure of abundance adopted the belief that we can have it all.

The cost of living with this false belief is most evident in today’s young adults. Millennials, in particular, grew up believing that if they only worked hard enough and did all the right things, they not only could, but should have it all.

As a parent of one borderline Millennial and one Gen Z child, I admit I’ve been just as guilty of promoting this mindset as many other parents in my social circles. We engineered every moment of our children’s lives to ensure them the best results possible. We told them they could be anything they wanted to be and do anything they were passionate about.

In doing so, we painted for them a picture of a world that didn’t require any tradeoffs—where success requires only a unilateral commitment to achievement.

The hustle begins early—with getting our kids into the “right” preschool—and continues from there, peaking with standardized tests and the fresh hell that has become college admissions.

The cost of this race toward a fantasy finish line is high for both parents and children, who have long experienced the embodied sense that something is wrong—though they can’t always explain it.

Something is, indeed, wrong.

We are raising young adults who are highly educated yet missing some of the most basic lessons of what it takes to create a successful adult life. And they are missing this knowledge because we are missing it too!

We, too, especially women of my generation, were raised with the mantra, “You can have it all!” What was left unsaid was, “...but not all at the same time.”

The sum effect of that belief is evident in the way we are living our lives as 30-, 40-, and 50-year-old adults. We are busy, yet not fulfilled; wealthy, yet not satisfied; and high-achieving, yet never feeling truly accomplished. The belief that if we just work harder, longer, and do more, we will reach a finish line called worthiness has us living lives that, at best, feel out of control—and at worst, entirely devoid of meaning.

The young adults I work with come from different backgrounds, but they all have one thing in common. They believe that saying no or not now to a person, opportunity, or invitation is a sign that there is something wrong with them.

They believe Tai Lopez—best known for his TEDx talk and a YouTube video with over 70 million views, where he flaunts his Lamborghini, claims to read a book a day, and boasts of rising from a mobile home with no college degree—as the model for creating a successful life.

Friends, we all know that the only resource we have that is absolutely and non-negotiably limited is time. This is pure and simple math. There is simply not enough time to do everything in a day or week.  But it may be possible to do it all in a year and a lifetime.

Our ability to say “yes” to what is meaningful and purposeful in life is entirely tied to our willingness to say “no” to the many other things that also matter to us.

Here, I’m not talking about choosing between what’s good or bad. I’m talking about choosing between good and better.

Our ability to say “no” is the most fundamental requirement of leveraging the power of tradeoff.

One of the first exercises I do with a new client is to have them complete a Life Values Assessment. It’s a simple yet powerful tool that helps both of us understand their deepest and most meaningful life values.

These are the guiding principles that consciously or subconsciously drive their actions and, simply put, decide whether they feel happy or not.

So when a client tells me their goal for coaching is to find fulfillment, happiness, or peace of mind, I know for sure that they’re not living in alignment with their top one to three life values.

Understanding our core life values takes a bit of time and requires complete honesty and vulnerability, but that’s actually the easy part of this work.

Once we become clear on which actions support our chosen life values, we realize how often we’ve been saying yes and doubling down on activities, people, and beliefs that aren’t aligned with those values.

So, what do we do next?

This is where understanding—and radically accepting—the crucial life principle of tradeoff becomes the only next step that can truly change our lives. It’s what brings us closer to peace of mind, fulfillment, and the conscious satisfaction that so often eludes us.

Easy, it’s not.

And to provoke your thinking, begin by answering a question I first heard from James Clear, “Who are you afraid of disappointing, and how would your choices change if you released that fear?”

To become a master of the art of making trade-offs is to accept our own mortality (What, me? Not enough time??) and to let go of old, ingrained habits, such as people-pleasing and busyness.

But when we do this work, we don’t just change our own lives for the better—we change our children’s as well.

And that is certainly worth the effort.