To Hell With Your Expectations

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Years ago, one of the first principles I learned from my coach at the time, Steve Chandler, was to transform expectations into agreements.

This practice alone has had the most profound impact on my life— shifting it from one of constant disappointments and simmering resentments to one of ease, peace, and lightness.

Strong words, I know. But true, nonetheless.

You see, most of us live in expectations most of the time.

We expect our parents to talk and act differently.

We expect our romantic partners to know exactly what makes us feel loved.

We expect our bosses to show their appreciation in the way that feels right to us.

We expect our co-workers to support us in what is obviously the “right” way.

We expect our children to do as they’re told.

We expect our friends to approve of our actions.

When I worked for fashion brands like Gucci, Hermès, and Bulgari, the annual performance review was a big event—filled with anticipation, and often, anxiety.

We were rated across several core competencies. Each score added up to one final number that would determine the status of our employment.

The rating system—with only minor variations across companies—almost always went something like this:

1. Poor

2. Below Expectations

3. Meets Expectations

4. Exceeds Expectations

5. Outstanding

More often than not, we were told that a “3,” meaning Meets Expectations, was actually very good—and that we should be content with it.

Of course, nobody ever was happy to get a 3. Meets expectations? Ugghhh.

And in all the years I’ve been coaching, not one person has ever asked me to help them meet expectations.

Not in a company.

Not in a relationship.

Not even with themselves.

Expectations simply go against human nature. We are not wired to meet others’ expectations, even if we’ve managed to convince ourselves otherwise.

The truth is that meeting expectations is playing small in a ridiculously short game—the game of people-pleasing.

We shut down our own desires and creativity—our own voice and beliefs—in service of another’s, society’s, or even our own expectations.

It’s exhausting. And it’s not sustainable.

But I can hear the dissenting voices already. “Who would we be without expectations? We would be selfish animals, only tending to our own temporary needs and desires. Chaos would reign, and no good would come of it! Expectations are what keep us in control!”

Exactly!

If control is what you’re after, then by all means, continue living and leading by expectations.

But if you’ve lived for a while—and woken up to a few basic life principles—you’ll agree that the game of control is like gambling in a casino. We may win in the short term, but we always lose in the long term.

Control doesn’t work because it doesn’t last.

Some people spend their entire lives perfecting the twin skills of expecting and controlling. They master the destructive art of cultivating one expectation after another—often without ever voicing them.

Ask them why, and they’ll resentfully reply that any “decent” human being should know how to act, speak, or be.

To live and lead from expectation is an act of cowardice. It is always easier to blame others for failing to meet our expectations than to take radical responsibility for creating a different foundation for our relationships.

So, if you, like me, believe that expectations not only don’t work but inevitably lead to disappointments, what then?

The antidote to expectations is agreements—clear, powerful, and fair agreements.

Replacing expectations with agreements is a practice that, over time (not overnight), will transform your relationships.

But turning expectations into agreements is a skill most of us don’t have. We need to learn it. I certainly had to, and it took me a minute!

In the past, I would tell someone what I wanted. If they said “OK” or something vague like, “I’ll try” or “I’ll do my best,” I assumed we had an agreement. When they didn’t follow through, I felt disappointed and resentful.

But simply telling people what we want is NOT an agreement.

Real agreements take time and care. They are also comprised of four essential parts:

1. I make a request (not a demand).

2. I specifically ask if you are willing to grant my request.

3. If not, I ask questions to understand your reasons. If yes, I ask what you need in order to fulfill it. Here, I take time to understand your circumstances and invite you to share what might get in the way of success. This is the step most of us skip. Often, once we hear a “yes”, “I’ll try,” etc., we go on with our lives, having thrown the hot potato into the other person’s hands.

4. Once we both clearly agree that the other person wants to fulfill our request, we confirm the what (is being done), the who (is ultimately responsible), and the when (it will be completed).

Even then, we’re not finished. We must also agree to stay in communication—updating each other promptly if circumstances change and renegotiation is called for.

Because at the end of the day, remember, it’s an agreement, not a decree.

This week, I’m inviting you to use this framework to transform one expectation, with a partner, colleague, or friend, into a clear agreement. If you have trouble identifying an expectation, just look for a person you’re disappointed with. All disappointments stem from expectations. But only 100% of the time.