Doubt is Not a Dirty Word — Carolyn Mahboubi

Want to listen to the article instead? Tune into Spotify.

Do you doubt yourself?

Do you then judge yourself for having doubts?

How’s that working for you? (You can let me know the answer to this question after!… so read on).

I know for sure it’s not working for you, because it sure as hell hasn't worked for me or any of my clients!

We tend to think of doubt as something bad and as an indicator that we have made a mistake—often an irreparable one, or irreversible, because we’ve already sunk so many resources (time, attention, and money) into it.

So, I want to draw a distinction for you that took me decades to learn.

There are two kinds of doubt;

One serves us powerfully, and the other is destructive.

1. Identity Doubt

Identity Doubt is when we doubt our abilities, character, and personality.

I don’t think I can handle this.

I’m too fragile.

I don’t have confidence.

I don’t have the courage.

These are all examples of how we confuse a practice like building courage, cultivating resilience, and handling difficult conversations with “who we are”—our identity.

Identity Doubt is planted in us by well-wishing adults long before we can be conscious of what’s happening.

Henry is too fragile.

Carolyn is too sensitive.

Mark was just born that way.

Jeff is indecisive.

Kendra is cautious (read lacks courage)...

We hear these statements at four, eight and twelve and we believe them.

The best advice I have to offer was best said by George Costanza to Seinfeld:

Awareness that Identity Doubt was (innocently) planted in our minds when we were too young to do anything about it is the first step to undoing this habit.

Know that doubting who we are is simply a habit developed over time.

Just like smoking. Yes, you are a smoker while you smoke, but as soon as you stop, you realize it wasn’t your identity; it was a negative and destructive habit.

But, is there a kind of doubt that actually serves us?

Yes!

2. Idea Doubt

Idea Doubt is when we question an idea we had.

Idea Doubt can often show up dressed as Identity Doubt, and that’s why it’s so easy to confuse the two!

Its favorite greeting?

“What the hell was I thinking?”

As soon as we add an “I”, our identity gets dragged into what should simply be an intelligent assessment of a past idea or decision.

As our lives change, so do our goals, desires, and values. It’s quite normal, even intelligent, to slow down to reassess our goals and decisions weekly and seasonally.

Those of us who do the work of bringing consciousness and awareness to our days and hours realize we have less regret because we reassess and redirect more often.

Still, if you catch yourself having devoted considerable time, energy, and money to an idea that is no longer right for you, it doesn’t mean there’s something inherently missing in your character and identity.

It means you are a human being who chooses to play the game of life rather than sit on the bleachers.

So, go ahead and doubt your ideas.

Slow down, look at them again and again.

Be like Waze!

Tell yourself, “rerouting,” which is a lot more useful than “what were you thinking??”

A good question to explore for yourself this week is, “In what areas of my life am I confusing Idea Doubt with Identity Doubt?”

And it wouldn’t be coaching if I didn’t ask you, “What do you want to do about it?”