How To Reach Your Partner

One reason folks hire a Life Coach is because they feel “stuck” in their relationship with their significant other.  There’s love and commitment, even friendship and fun, so what’s missing?

More often than not, what’s missing is the willingness to talk about whatever is on our minds without fear of inadvertently stepping  into dangerous territory.

You know that feeling, when you’re laughing and sharing stories with your partner and then for no good reason, you feel like you just parachuted into some cold, desolate, unknown land full of hidden dangers?

Yep, we’ve all been there, and it’s enough to make you never go on an adventure again.

 But buckling down and stay-cationing is not an option if you’ve already had the courage to dive into an intimate relationship.  Rather, it is an option, but not a good one, if you want to bring out the best in each other and in your relationship.

Here’s 3 small, but impactful, communication skills that my clients use regularly to improve their relationships:

  1. When they are hurt by something their partner has said or done, and they feel defensive, they start their sentence with, “ The story I’m making up in my head is……..”  For example, I might say to my partner who showed up late for our date, “ The story I’m making up in my head is that I’m not important enough to you and that’s why you didn’t make the effort to be here on time.”  I learned this from Brene Brown and it is as simple as it is effective.

  2. Drop expectations and make agreements instead.  Steve Chandler taught me that expectations set us up for failure (most of the time), but agreements create opportunities for clarity and to show up for each other.  Agreements are fun and creative. Expectations are constraining and make us feel like we “have” to and not that we “want” to. Who wants to feel like their life is one “have to” after another?  No one ever!

  3. When you are about to launch into what you anticipate to be a difficult conversation, and you’re all worked up about defending your side of the story, take a deep breath, and begin by saying to your partner, “ Tell me why you’re right.”  Continue with, “ Tell me what it is that I’m not seeing here.” Don’t stop. Keep up this line of questioning, until they’ve emptied their bucket completely, and then say,” Tell me more”. By the time they’re done, there may no longer be an argument to be had.  And if there is one, it will likely be less charged and angry. This small action can be the difference between a disagreement and an all out fight.

Each one of these skills is the first step to a series of steps that if practiced regularly, has the power to transform our relationships.

To learn more about Life Coaching and how to improve your personal relationships, feel free to reach out to me at www.carolynmahboubi.com.


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Carolyn MahboubiComment